Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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