yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
