My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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