I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Pooping to opera.
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