College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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