Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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