At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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