I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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