If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
