i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
