Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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