Whod you bang
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
