I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
