Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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