Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
