I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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