just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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