Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
