I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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