Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize