I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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