How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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