WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
