I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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