Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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