his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
