Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Never underestimate the power of titties
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
