My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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