I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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