did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
