sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
