The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
