I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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