I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
