broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
