If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
