Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
