My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
