He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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