she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
