a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
