I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
