She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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