Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My liver just had a heart attack.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
