I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
