Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize