So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
