I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
