the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
