Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
