Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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