I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
