Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
