drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There are leaves in my underwear?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
