i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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