You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
