I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
