My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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