i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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